Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
