i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
