someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
