Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
