I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
