I cannot find my penis.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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