i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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