No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
