Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
