She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
