Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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