my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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