It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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