I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
