Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
