i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
