my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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