Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
