Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
