Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
