Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
