took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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