When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
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I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
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How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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