I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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