I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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