Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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