I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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