Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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