You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
