I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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