I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My dick has a subreddit
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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