Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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