How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
