I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
