Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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