Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
