God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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