so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
