so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
