I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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