your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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