dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
