dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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