u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
