So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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