Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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