I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
