the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
