Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
