I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
