My liver just broke up with me...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
