The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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