when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
