I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.