And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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