I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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