at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Be still, my beating vagina.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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