Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
