I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
