this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
