we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
